Note 023
Here’s another note from 20 years of marriage that I didn’t understand until much later.
In my last post, I talked about financial independence and how, as a young stay-at-home mom, I stopped earning my own money.
But there was another part of that story I didn’t talk about.
Because I wasn’t earning the money, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve to spend it.
Nobody told me that.
My husband never told me that.
Actually, quite the opposite.
He has always been an amazing provider, and there were plenty of times he encouraged me to buy something for myself.
This was my own thinking.
And looking back, I realize how much it affected me.
I would tell myself that as long as I had the basics, I was fine.
I had what I needed for my daily hygiene.
I had clothes.
I had food.
The kids had everything they needed.
My husband had everything he needed.
So why would I need anything else?
Makeup?
I’d get the cheaper one.
Clothes?
I could do without them.
Something I wanted?
I’d talk myself out of it.
I became really good at making sure everyone else had what they needed while convincing myself that I didn’t need much at all.
And then there was the vacation situation.
This happened more than once.
We’d be getting ready to pack for vacation.
I’d go through the kids’ clothes.
Make sure everybody had everything.
Make sure everything was packed.
Then my husband would get his things together, and because he always wanted me to check his stuff too, I’d make sure he was good.
Everybody was ready.
Everybody had outfits.
Everybody was going to look cute.
And then it was time for me.
And I would literally stand there thinking…
What am I going to wear?
I couldn’t piece together an outfit.
Not because we couldn’t afford one.
Not because my husband wouldn’t have bought me something.
But because somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that spending money on me wasn’t necessary.
And THAT was my red light.
I remember thinking:
“Wait a minute…”
I have made sure everyone in this house is going to look clean, presentable, comfortable and attractive.
And I have nothing.
How did that happen?
And I’m not talking about today’s social media version of self-care where we’re watching shopping hauls, matcha runs, Pilates classes, nail appointments, hair appointments, skincare routines and beauty treatments all day long.
I’m not saying you need any of those things.
I’m saying you shouldn’t have to completely disappear from your own life either.
There’s a difference.
And this is something I really want young women and young moms to understand.
Being a stay-at-home mom can be a beautiful thing.
Being a homemaker can be fulfilling.
Taking care of your family can be something you’re incredibly proud of.
But don’t make yourself so small in the process that you stop participating in your own life.
You deserve the dress too.
You deserve the makeup.
You deserve the nice lotion.
You deserve the coffee.
You deserve to go somewhere and have something nice to wear.
You deserve to develop a hobby.
You deserve to have interests.
You deserve to have something that makes you feel pretty.
And no, I’m not saying go out and spend money you don’t have.
Please don’t send me the bill. 😂
I’m saying budget for yourself too.
Put yourself in the family budget.
Don’t wait until everyone else has everything they need before you decide whether there’s anything left over for you.
Because here’s what I learned:
When I wasn’t earning money, I started confusing not earning money with not contributing.
And those are NOT the same thing.
I was raising children.
Managing a household.
Cooking.
Cleaning.
Planning.
Organizing.
Supporting my husband.
Keeping an entire little ecosystem running.
That was work.
It just wasn’t receiving a paycheck.
And because I didn’t have a paycheck attached to what I was doing, I somehow started feeling like I had to justify wanting anything for myself.
That wasn’t fair to me.
And it wasn’t something my husband was asking me to do.
I did that to myself.
That’s why this is not a husband-bashing post.
It’s actually the opposite.
Sometimes the person standing between you and the life you want is…you.
And that can be a hard thing to admit.
But it’s also empowering.
Because if you’re the one holding yourself back, you can also be the one who decides to stop.
So if you’re a young mom reading this and you’re dreaming about being a stay-at-home mom, I’m not here to discourage you.
Go for it if that’s what works for your family.
But before you do, have an honest conversation with yourself.
How will you maintain your identity?
How will you maintain your skills?
How will you maintain some financial independence?
How will you make sure you are still participating in your own life?
And perhaps most importantly:
Will you allow yourself to receive?
Because taking care of everyone doesn’t mean you have to come last.
And being a homemaker doesn’t mean you have to become invisible.
A Note for Today
Don’t confuse not earning a paycheck with not contributing—and don’t make yourself so busy taking care of everyone else that you forget to take care of you.
You are part of the family you’re taking care of.
Make sure you include yourself in the care.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker