Note 024
Here’s another note from 20 years of marriage.
And this one is about something I wish I had understood much earlier:
Don’t lose yourself trying to be the perfect wife, mother, and caretaker.
I was so focused on being the best wife I could be.
The best mother.
The best homemaker.
The best supporter.
The person making sure everybody had what they needed.
I thought I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.
So I gave my family my time.
My attention.
My energy.
My focus.
And somewhere along the way…
I gave up my friendships too.
Now, let me make something clear because I know how the internet works. Also as I stated in my previous video this has nothing to do with my husband. These are all things that were self inflicted. (I’ll discuss where that came from in a later post.) He actually wanted my to have friends, go out, and enjoy myself.
I’m not talking about keeping inappropriate friendships or friendships that disrespect your marriage.
When it came to male friends, I was very intentional about making sure my husband never had to question my friendships, wonder about my intentions, or have to discern whether someone had motives that weren’t appropriate.
For me, my husband’s security and peace mattered.
So I made decisions around that.
And honestly, I still believe boundaries matter tremendously in marriage.
But somewhere along the way, I took that idea of protecting my marriage and applied it to everything.
And female friendships?
Most of mine were out of state.
And instead of nurturing those friendships, I slowly convinced myself that I didn’t really need them.
I had my husband.
I had my children.
I had my home.
I had my responsibilities.
I had plenty to do.
And somewhere in my mind, I had created this strange little belief that I didn’t really deserve to go have fun.
I was a wife.
I was a mom.
I had responsibilities.
Why did I need to be out doing this or that?
So I stayed home.
And stayed home.
And stayed home.
And eventually, I realized something.
My husband cannot be my entire social world.
And neither can my children.
And that’s not because they aren’t enough.
It’s because one person isn’t supposed to fulfill every role in your life.
Your husband is your husband.
Your children are your children.
Your friends are your friends.
Your community is your community.
And those relationships can fulfill different parts of you.
There are things you talk about with your girlfriends that you aren’t necessarily going to talk about with your husband.
There are things you laugh about with your friends that might not be funny to your husband.
There are experiences, hobbies, interests and conversations that exist outside of marriage.
And that’s okay.
Actually…
It’s healthy.
Now that I’m in my 40s, I understand how important having a good group of women around you really is.
Not a huge group.
Not 50 people.
Not a social calendar packed seven days a week.
Just your people.
The women you can call when you’ve had one of those days.
The friend you can laugh with until your stomach hurts.
The one you can talk to about marriage and motherhood.
The one who shares your love of books.
The one who wants to go shopping.
The one who understands your career goals.
The one who doesn’t need a 45-minute explanation because she already knows you.
And sometimes?
You just need somebody who isn’t your husband.
That doesn’t make your marriage weak.
It makes you human.
I think one of the biggest mistakes I made was believing that being completely devoted to my family meant I had to completely disappear as an individual.
It doesn’t.
And here’s the part I want younger women to hear:
Marriage should add to your identity, not erase it.
You can be deeply in love with your husband and still have girlfriends.
You can be an amazing mother and still go out.
You can prioritize your marriage and still have hobbies.
You can build a beautiful home and still build a community.
You can be committed to your family and still have a life that belongs to you.
And yes, boundaries are necessary.
Every marriage is different.
Every couple has different expectations.
Have those conversations.
Know what respect looks like in your marriage.
Protect your relationship.
But don’t confuse protecting your marriage with isolating yourself.
Those are two very different things.
Because I’m learning now that the woman who entered my marriage 20 years ago deserved to keep growing too.
She deserved friendships.
She deserved community.
She deserved laughter.
She deserved experiences.
She deserved to have interests that had nothing to do with being a wife or mother.
And I’m not beating myself up over it.
Because hindsight is 20/20.
I’m just taking the lesson and passing it forward.
That’s what this entire series is about.
Not telling you how to run your marriage.
Not pretending I have all the answers.
Just a woman looking back at 20 years and saying:
“Girl…here’s what I learned.”
A Note for Today
Don’t lose your individuality in the name of being a good wife or mother.
Nurture your marriage.
Love your family.
Show up for the people you love.
But keep your friendships. Build your community. Have your interests. Laugh. Get dressed. Go somewhere. Call your girlfriends.
You were a whole person before you became someone’s wife.
You were a whole person before you became someone’s mother.
And you’re still a whole person now.
Marriage doesn’t require you to disappear.
It requires two people who continue to grow.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker