Note 060
I heard a one-liner recently while watching a young woman talk about something that happened to her, and I thought it was such a good reminder for everyday life.
She said:
“You can appreciate what went right without erasing what went wrong.”
I wrote it down because, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how often we need to be reminded of this.
Let me tell you what happened.
The young woman had hired someone to clean her apartment. When the woman arrived, she was able to get into the building, even though the young woman had never authorized the building to let her in.
So, understandably, she was frustrated.
There was a problem with how the woman had gained access to the building, and she had every reason to be concerned about that.
But then she walked into her apartment and saw the work the woman had done.
The place looked amazing.
The cleaning was excellent. The woman had done a wonderful job.
And now the young woman found herself in an interesting position.
She was upset about how the situation had happened, but she was genuinely impressed with the work that had been done.
She realized she needed to separate the two.
The cleaning woman wasn’t necessarily the person responsible for the building allowing her inside. And the fact that something had gone wrong didn’t mean the woman hadn’t done an excellent job.
So instead of allowing her frustration to overshadow everything, she redirected her attention to what had actually happened.
She could acknowledge the problem with the building’s access process, appreciate the woman’s work, and thank her without being rude or taking her frustration out on the wrong person.
And that’s when she shared the line that stuck with me:
You can appreciate what went right without erasing what went wrong.
Now that’s a word.
We Have to Learn to Separate the Two
Think about how often one negative thing can change the way we see an entire situation.
Someone does something thoughtful for us, but one part of it disappoints us, and suddenly that’s all we can focus on.
A friend shows up when we need them, but they say something we don’t like, and now we’re questioning the whole friendship.
A coworker does a great job on a project but misses one important detail, and we find ourselves focusing on the mistake instead of recognizing the work they did well.
A family member makes an effort to spend time with us, but the visit doesn’t go exactly as we hoped, and we forget to appreciate the effort altogether.
Or maybe someone has done something genuinely good for us, but we’re so upset about something else that we struggle to acknowledge it.
We can become so focused on what went wrong that we lose sight of what went right.
And sometimes, we do the opposite.
We focus so much on the good that we overlook something important that needs to be addressed.
Neither approach gives us the full picture.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Someone can do a good job and still make a mistake.
A person can have good intentions and still hurt your feelings.
You can appreciate someone’s effort and still be disappointed with the outcome.
You can enjoy a relationship and recognize that there are problems within it.
You can be grateful for an opportunity and acknowledge that parts of it weren’t what you expected.
Recognizing the good doesn’t require you to pretend the bad never happened.
And recognizing the bad doesn’t require you to dismiss every good thing that did.
Don’t Let Your First Reaction Make the Whole Decision
This is where I think the lesson becomes especially useful.
When something goes wrong, our first reaction is often emotional.
We’re irritated. We’re disappointed. We’re embarrassed. We’re frustrated.
And sometimes those feelings are completely understandable.
But when we’re upset, it’s easy to direct our frustration toward the wrong person or allow one part of an experience to determine how we respond to all of it.
The woman in the story had a legitimate concern about the building allowing someone into her apartment without her authorization.
That concern still mattered.
But the cleaning woman’s work was a separate issue.
The young woman was able to recognize the distinction and respond accordingly.
I think we can all benefit from pausing long enough to ask ourselves:
What exactly am I upset about?
Who or what is actually responsible?
Am I allowing one part of this situation to overshadow everything else?
Can I acknowledge what went well while still addressing what needs to change?
Those questions can help us respond more thoughtfully instead of allowing our first emotion to dictate our entire response.
And that doesn’t mean swallowing our feelings or pretending everything is fine.
It means taking a moment to understand what we’re feeling and where that feeling belongs.
This Applies to Our Relationships, Too
I think this is particularly important when it comes to the people in our lives.
Because when we become disappointed in someone, it’s easy to start looking at everything through that disappointment.
We replay the comment they made.
We remember the time they let us down.
We focus on the thing they didn’t do.
And before long, we’re struggling to recognize anything positive about them.
But what if we could hold a more balanced view?
What if we could say:
“I didn’t appreciate how you handled that situation, but I do appreciate the ways you’ve shown up for me.”
Or:
“That comment hurt my feelings, but I know you’ve also been kind and supportive.”
Or even:
“This relationship has some problems that need attention, but that doesn’t mean every good thing about it was a lie.”
Of course, there are situations where the negative behavior is serious, repeated, or harmful. Appreciating someone’s good qualities doesn’t mean excusing mistreatment, ignoring patterns, or staying in an unsafe situation.
But in the ordinary disappointments and misunderstandings of everyday life, learning to separate one issue from the entire person can help us see things more clearly.
We don’t have to turn someone into the villain of the story just because they got something wrong.
And we don’t have to pretend they did nothing wrong just because they also did something good.
We can recognize both.
Give Yourself Permission to Hold Two Truths
I also think this lesson applies to how we evaluate our own lives.
Maybe you had a difficult year, but there were still moments of joy.
Maybe a job didn’t work out, but you learned something valuable.
Maybe a relationship ended, but it also brought meaningful experiences into your life.
Maybe you made a mistake, but you also made progress.
Maybe something didn’t turn out the way you planned, but you handled parts of it better than the old version of you would have.
Sometimes we look back at an experience and label the entire thing a failure because of how it ended.
But what if we could look at it more honestly?
What went wrong?
What went right?
What did I learn?
What am I proud of?
What needs to change next time?
We don’t have to rewrite history to make ourselves feel better. We can acknowledge disappointment without erasing growth, and we can celebrate progress without pretending we got everything right.
A disappointing outcome doesn’t automatically erase the good that happened along the way.
And one mistake doesn’t have to erase every bit of progress you’ve made.
A Little More Perspective Can Change How We Respond
I don’t think the goal is to become someone who always looks for the positive or finds a silver lining in everything.
Sometimes things are simply disappointing.
Sometimes we need to speak up.
Sometimes an apology is necessary.
Sometimes a problem needs to be corrected.
But we can do those things without losing our ability to recognize what went well.
We can thank someone for their effort while explaining what needs to improve.
We can appreciate a person’s kindness while being honest about how their actions affected us.
We can celebrate our accomplishments while acknowledging where we fell short.
We can be disappointed and grateful.
Frustrated and fair.
Honest and appreciative.
The goal isn’t to choose one side of the story. It’s to see the whole story.
And maybe that’s what the young woman’s experience reminded me of.
She didn’t have to ignore the access issue to appreciate the cleaning.
She didn’t have to be rude to communicate that something had gone wrong.
She didn’t have to erase the positive to acknowledge the negative.
She could do both.
And sometimes, we can, too.
A Note for Today
The next time something goes wrong, pause before allowing it to define the entire experience.
Ask yourself:
What went wrong, and what went right?
Can you acknowledge the problem without dismissing the effort?
Can you appreciate the good without ignoring what needs to change?
Can you be honest about your disappointment without allowing it to erase everything else?
You don’t have to pretend the negative didn’t happen.
You don’t have to force yourself to be grateful for something that hurt you.
You simply have to allow yourself to see the situation for what it is, rather than letting one part become the whole story.
Because life is rarely all good or all bad.
Sometimes the lesson is in learning to recognize both.
You can appreciate what went right without erasing what went wrong.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker 🤎
