Note 040
A few weeks ago, I had one of those parenting moments that lasted maybe five minutes but left me thinking about a much bigger lesson.
My son and I were in the store picking up the last few school supplies he needed.
He’s starting his freshman year of high school, so this isn’t just another first day of school.
It’s a new school.
A new routine.
A new schedule.
Older students.
A much bigger building.
Different teachers.
More difficult classes.
Basically, a whole new world.
While we were in the aisle looking for something—I don’t even remember what at this point—one of his friends spotted him.
You know how boys greet each other these days.
The quick “bro” hug, a few laughs, and then immediately into conversation.
His friend started telling my son how nervous he was.
How anxious.
How scared he was about starting high school.
Then he started naming mutual friends who were nervous too.
“So-and-so is scared.”
“They’re nervous too.”
“The school is so big. I don’t know how we’re going to do this.”
And my son was listening.
I finished getting what we needed, they said their goodbyes, and we continued shopping.
But the moment we walked away, Mommy Savior Mode kicked in.
I looked at my son and said:
“Listen to me.”
I told him something I think is important for all of us to learn—not just teenagers.
Someone else’s feelings don’t automatically have to become your feelings.
I said, “Just because your friend is nervous doesn’t mean you have to be nervous.”
His fear belongs to him.
His anxiety belongs to him.
His perspective belongs to him.
And his experience of starting high school may be completely different from yours.
That doesn’t mean you don’t care about him.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen.
It doesn’t mean you can’t understand why he’s nervous.
It simply means:
You don’t have to pick up his emotions and carry them around as your own.
And let’s be honest…adults do this too.
Have you ever talked to someone about a situation and walked away feeling worse than you did before the conversation?
You weren’t worried.
Then they told you why they would be worried.
You weren’t afraid.
Then they explained everything that could go wrong.
You were excited.
Then they gave you ten reasons why it probably wouldn’t work.
You were confident.
Then suddenly you’re questioning yourself.
That’s how easily we can absorb someone else’s perspective.
And sometimes we don’t even realize we’ve done it.
Someone tells us their experience and we unconsciously make it our experience.
Someone says:
“That job is terrible.”
And now we’re questioning a job we haven’t even started.
Someone says:
“Marriage is hard.”
And now we’re afraid of a relationship that is actually healthy.
Someone says:
“You don’t want to live there.”
And suddenly we’ve talked ourselves out of a place we’ve never visited.
Someone says:
“I tried that and it didn’t work.”
And now we assume it won’t work for us either.
But here’s the thing:
Their experience is information. It isn’t your instruction.
That’s the distinction I wanted my son to understand.
You can listen without absorbing.
I reminded him that it is perfectly normal to feel nervous.
Actually, I want him to understand that.
Being nervous doesn’t mean something is wrong.
Being scared doesn’t mean you aren’t capable.
Sometimes being nervous simply means you’re stepping into something unfamiliar.
And honestly, starting high school is unfamiliar.
But I also reminded him that he already had information his friend didn’t necessarily have.
He had attended summer school.
He had already been inside the building.
He had walked around and started learning the layout.
He had experienced middle school and already knew what it felt like to enter a new school environment.
He was going to have open house.
He was going to meet teachers.
He was going to learn his schedule.
And most importantly…
He hadn’t even started yet.
So why was he going to let someone else’s fear write the story before he had experienced it for himself?
This is where I think overthinkers need to be especially careful.
We are naturally good at collecting information.
Give us one little detail and we’ll find another detail, then another, then another…
Before you know it, we’ve created an entire scenario that hasn’t happened.
Now add someone else’s fear to that equation?
Oh, we’re in trouble.
Someone tells us something went badly for them.
We imagine it happening to us.
Someone tells us they’re worried.
We become worried.
Someone tells us they don’t like someone.
Now we’re looking at that person differently.
Someone tells us they wouldn’t do something.
Now we’re questioning whether we should.
But we have to learn to ask:
“Is this actually my feeling, or did I just pick it up from someone else?”
That question can save you a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
There is a difference between empathy and emotional ownership.
I want my children to be compassionate.
If their friend is nervous, listen.
If someone is scared, encourage them.
If someone needs reassurance, be there.
But don’t confuse supporting someone with taking responsibility for their emotions.
You can say:
“I understand why you’re nervous.”
without saying:
“Now I’m nervous too.”
You can say:
“I hope everything works out for you.”
without deciding:
“This probably won’t work for me either.”
You can acknowledge someone’s experience without making it your prophecy.
And I think that’s a life skill worth teaching.
Let yourself have your own experience.
My son’s friend may absolutely have a difficult first few days of high school.
Maybe he’ll feel overwhelmed.
Maybe he’ll get lost.
Maybe the workload will be harder than he expected.
Maybe he’ll adjust immediately.
Maybe my son will experience some of those same things.
I don’t know.
And neither does he.
That’s the point.
They haven’t lived it yet.
So why start by borrowing someone else’s fear?
Walk into the experience.
Pay attention.
Learn.
Adjust.
Course correct if necessary.
But let your own experience tell you what you think.
This applies far beyond high school.
It applies when you’re starting a new job.
Moving to a new city.
Starting a business.
Going back to school.
Dating again.
Getting married.
Having children.
Changing careers.
Working on your health.
Making new friends.
Starting over.
Someone else’s road may give you something to consider.
But it doesn’t determine where yours will lead.
A Note for Today
You can acknowledge someone else’s emotions without adopting them.
Listen.
Have empathy.
Be supportive.
Gather information.
But before you decide how you feel about something, ask yourself:
“Is this my experience…or did I just inherit someone else’s?”
Because sometimes the fear we’re carrying isn’t even ours.
And maybe we need to hand it back.
Let people have their experience.
Let yourself have yours.
And if you discover along the way that something isn’t working?
You can always course correct.
But don’t decide you can’t do something simply because someone else is afraid to.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker