Note 038
My husband said something this morning that immediately made my overthinking mind pause.
We were talking about some friends who were having a few discussions, and I mentioned how easy it is now to communicate without actually being together.
Text messages.
Group chats.
Phone calls.
Voice notes.
We can practically maintain an entire relationship without ever sitting across from one another.
And that’s when I said:
“Your nonverbal speaks louder than your verbal.”
Well…
There goes my morning.
Because now I have a whole note to write.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how true that can be.
You can tell me you’re listening.
But are you looking at me?
Are you asking questions?
Are you engaged in the conversation?
Do you look concerned when I’m telling you something difficult?
Do you lean in?
Do you seem distracted?
Do you keep checking your phone?
Do you look uncomfortable?
Do you become defensive before I’ve even finished explaining myself?
You’re saying one thing…
But your body may be saying something completely different.
And that’s the part we miss when so much of our communication happens through a screen.
Sometimes you need to see the person.
I’m not anti-texting.
Trust me, I’m an overthinker. Give me a text message and I can reread it seventeen times trying to figure out what you meant by that period at the end.
But texting has limitations.
You can’t always see someone’s expression.
You can’t hear the hesitation in their voice.
You can’t see them process what you’ve said.
You can’t tell whether they’re genuinely listening or simply waiting for their turn to respond.
And sometimes those little things matter.
Think about having a serious conversation with someone you love.
They say:
“I’m okay.”
But their face doesn’t look okay.
Their tone doesn’t sound okay.
Their posture doesn’t look relaxed.
Their eyes tell you something completely different.
Now, does that automatically mean they’re lying?
Absolutely not.
And that’s important.
Nonverbal communication isn’t mind reading.
We shouldn’t assume we know exactly what someone is thinking simply because of a facial expression or gesture.
But we can notice.
We can pay attention.
We can become curious instead of immediately creating a story in our heads.
And Lord knows…
overthinkers need to hear that part.
Because there is a difference between observing someone’s behavior and creating an entire narrative around it.
Someone crosses their arms.
“They’re mad at me.”
Someone doesn’t make eye contact.
“They don’t respect me.”
Someone takes a little longer to respond.
“They’re upset.”
Someone looks serious.
“I knew they didn’t like what I said.”
And before the person has even explained themselves, we’ve already written the beginning, middle and ending of the conversation.
That’s not awareness.
That’s overthinking.
So maybe the lesson isn’t to analyze every gesture.
Maybe the lesson is to pay attention without assuming.
Your body is part of the conversation.
Think about how you communicate without saying a word.
Have you ever rolled your eyes while saying, “I’m listening”?
Have you ever sighed while saying, “It’s fine”?
Have you ever looked at the clock while someone was talking to you?
Have you ever crossed your arms, turned your body away or started looking at your phone while someone was trying to tell you something important?
You may not have said anything disrespectful.
But you communicated something.
And sometimes we need to be honest enough to ask ourselves:
What am I saying without saying anything?
Because this works both ways.
We spend a lot of time analyzing how other people are showing up for us.
But what about how we are showing up for them?
Are we really listening?
Are we making people feel heard?
Are our facial expressions communicating irritation when we’re trying to communicate patience?
Are we saying we’re supportive while our actions suggest otherwise?
Are we telling someone we care while consistently making them feel like a burden?
That’s where this note gets interesting.
Because communication isn’t only about getting our message across.
It’s also about understanding the message we’re sending.
Maybe this is why personal interaction still matters.
We live in a world where we can communicate with almost anyone instantly.
And that’s wonderful.
But there is something different about sitting across from someone.
Having coffee.
Sharing a meal.
Taking a walk.
Having a conversation in the same room.
You get to experience the entire person.
You hear the words.
You hear the tone.
You see the face.
You notice the pauses.
You see the reactions.
You notice whether they’re listening or simply waiting.
You get context.
And sometimes that context changes everything.
A text that sounds harsh may have been completely innocent.
A short response may have come from someone having a difficult day.
A serious expression may have nothing to do with you.
And that’s why I think we have to be careful about making permanent conclusions from temporary observations.
Pay attention—but don’t assume.
Ask questions.
Clarify.
Listen.
And when the relationship matters, sometimes put the phone down and sit across from the person.
A Note for Today
Your words matter.
But so do your eyes.
Your tone.
Your posture.
Your attention.
Your reactions.
Your presence.
And sometimes the person you’re talking to isn’t only listening to what you’re saying.
They’re experiencing how you’re saying it.
So before you spend all your energy wondering what someone else’s nonverbal communication means…
Take a look at your own.
What are you saying when you’re not saying anything at all?
That might be the conversation worth having.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker