Note 054
I heard another one-liner this weekend while watching one of my recorded shows.
This time, it was a reunion show.
One of the women was extremely emotional. She was upset, hurt, frustrated, and trying desperately to get her point across.
She was talking loudly, getting emotional, and trying to make the host understand exactly how she felt.
And the host said something that made me stop and think:
“No matter how much you scream at me, it’s not going to rattle me.”
Whew.
I paused the show.
Because…
I want that.
I want to get to a place emotionally where someone can be completely worked up in front of me and I don’t automatically become worked up too.
Where someone can raise their voice and I don’t feel the need to raise mine.
Where someone can be frustrated, angry, emotional, or upset—and I can remain calm enough to actually hear what they’re saying.
Imagine how much emotional energy we could save if we learned how to do that.
Don’t let someone else’s intensity become your intensity.
Think about how many arguments start.
One person gets upset.
The other person gets defensive.
The first person gets louder.
The second person gets louder.
Now nobody is listening.
Everybody is reacting.
And somewhere in the middle of all that yelling, the original issue has almost disappeared.
Now we’re arguing about the arguing.
Who raised their voice first.
Who said what.
Who had the nastier tone.
Who walked away.
Who slammed the door.
And what started as a conversation has turned into a competition over who can be the most upset.
I’ve been there.
I’m sure most of us have.
But what if one person decided not to participate in the escalation?
What if instead of meeting anger with anger, we stayed calm?
What if instead of immediately defending ourselves, we listened?
What if instead of trying to match someone’s volume, we lowered ours?
Not because the other person is right.
Not because our feelings don’t matter.
And definitely not because we’re supposed to sit there and accept disrespect.
But because we don’t have to surrender control of ourselves just because someone else has lost control of themselves.
That is the part I want to remember.
Someone else’s emotions are information.
They aren’t instructions.
Someone being angry doesn’t mean I have to become angry.
Someone yelling doesn’t mean I have to yell.
Someone being defensive doesn’t mean I have to become defensive.
Someone being emotional doesn’t mean I have to absorb their emotions.
And someone trying to rattle me doesn’t mean I have to let them.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do in a heated moment is remain calm enough to think.
What is actually happening here?
What are they trying to tell me?
Is there something I need to hear?
Is there something I need to address?
Or are we both too emotional to have this conversation right now?
Because sometimes the conversation doesn’t need another five minutes.
It needs a pause.
Imagine if we practiced this in our everyday relationships.
Marriage.
Parenting.
Friendships.
Work.
Family.
How many misunderstandings could be avoided if we stopped reacting to the reaction?
How many arguments could end sooner if somebody simply said, “I hear that you’re upset. Let’s talk about this when we’re both calm.”
How much emotional energy could we save by refusing to let somebody else’s mood determine ours?
I don’t want to become someone who never gets upset.
That’s not realistic.
I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t stand up for herself.
That’s not the goal either.
I want to become someone who can feel everything without reacting to everything.
There’s a difference.
I can be angry and still speak calmly.
I can be hurt and still listen.
I can disagree without becoming disrespectful.
I can stand my ground without losing myself in the argument.
And maybe that’s the kind of emotional maturity I’m working toward.
Not nothing bothers me.
But:
“You don’t get to decide how I respond.”
Because sometimes calm is the boundary.
You don’t always have to prove that you’re just as angry.
You don’t have to match someone’s volume to make your point valid.
You don’t have to become louder to be heard.
And you don’t have to let somebody else’s emotional reaction pull you out of character.
Sometimes you can simply take a breath.
Pause.
Listen.
Think.
And decide how you want to respond.
That doesn’t mean you won’t have a reaction.
It means you don’t have to let the reaction drive the car.
And honestly?
That’s a level of emotional control I want.
I want to be able to sit across from someone who is yelling and think:
“I hear you. I understand you’re upset. But you’re not going to rattle me.”
Now THAT is a word.
A Note for Today
The next time someone comes at you with more emotion than the situation requires, pause before you match their energy.
Ask yourself:
Do I want to respond to what they’re saying—or react to how they’re saying it?
You don’t have to absorb someone else’s intensity.
You don’t have to match it.
You don’t have to let it change who you are in the moment.
Their emotions are theirs. Your response is yours.
And maybe we’re all just practicing how to become a little harder to rattle.
Until the next note,
Your Resident Overthinker 🤎